


kimber’s kristmas klaine kurt-kidnapping krackfic

by kimbersklainekrack



Category: Glee
Genre: Happy Christmas, M/M, are they.... yknow.... 💅, fuck you kimber, i wish i could pay for your therapy after this but i’m broke, the worst crack fic on this godforsaken website, this is a joke and i’m really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:21:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27967493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimbersklainekrack/pseuds/kimbersklainekrack
Summary: in which i attempt to write the worst crack fic on this hell site as a christmas present. i’m sorry. i have seen one (1) episode of glee and i do not plan on watching more. i’ll see you in hell, kimber.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	kimber’s kristmas klaine kurt-kidnapping krackfic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blvineydvys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blvineydvys/gifts).
  * Inspired by [ABC Easy as 1, 2, 3](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/723611) by BlurtItAllOut. 



> if you actually care about glee, you might as well just click off now. it’s not worth it.

It all started with the ABC.

The ABC, the most notorious contest in all of Dalton history — the Annual Belching Competition. Last December, Kurt had won, but Blaine doesn’t plan on letting him keep the title of champion this year.

“Hey, baby,” says sexy Blaine sexily to his sexy boyfriend Kurt in the halls of Dalton.

Kurt looks up from his phone, where he had been gazing lovingly at the nudes Blaine sent him last night. “Hey, babe,” he says sweetly, the picture of innocence as he slides his phone back into his pocket. “What are you doing?”

Blaine rolls back and forth on the balls of his feet, and looks Kurt up and down. “Nothing,” he lies.

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket. It’s probably Robin — their plan to stop Kurt’s domination of the ABC this year will go into effect soon. It’s not like Kurt’s good at dominating anything else, anyway. He smiles, completely and totally unsuspicious, and wraps an arm around Kurt’s shoulder, leading him away from his next class.

Kurt raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere. What are you talking about?” Blaine grins, giving Kurt a one-armed squeeze without looking him in the eye.

Kurt sniffs haughtily. “I don’t trust you.”

“You didn’t say that last night,” Blaine says, grinning evilly and sexily. 

As they round the corner, Blaine looks at his watch and checks the time. Five more minutes. He can’t check Robin’s text without Kurt getting suspicious; he’ll just have to hope that Robin’s ready. As they walk through the slowly-emptying halls, Blaine can hear a group of students practicing for the ABC in an empty classroom, trying to get in one last day of practice before the contest — the familiar, revolting sounds of deep-belly burps echo out into the hallway, giving the air a faint scent of cheese and reminding everyone around them that Christmas is just around the corner. It’s just not Christmas time at Dalton without the ABC. 

Blaine leads Kurt swiftly through Dalton, barely making it to the theatre in time for his and Robin’s plan to begin. The halls near the theatre are always empty this time of day — it’s the best time to enact their plan. Blaine pulls Kurt to a stop and sexily leans against the wall, crooking a finger at sexy Kurt. Kurt gasps and waves a hand at his stupid horrible disgusting annoying ugly gross disgusting boyfriend.

As Kurt is distracted, Robin comes sneaking around the corner with the rope Blaine bought in hand. He’s got some massive sexy dude-bros with him, who Robin convinced to join them because if kidnapping Kurt is the only way to get a chance to win the ABC, then they’re ready and willing.

Admittedly, Blaine did feel a bit bad about agreeing to kidnap his boyfriend and leave him in Robin’s underground Sex Cellar for the entire day of the ABC — but it’s worth it. Blaine wants that fucking cactus.

Kurt spins around right at the last moment as Robin and two of his sexy dude-bros slam into him, shoving him to the ground. “WHAT THE FUCK???” Kurt screams, trying to push them off.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Blaine says, staring down at him and T-posing. “It has to be this way.”

Robin’s group of sexy dude-bros drag Kurt away as he clutches at the ground, unable to find purchase on the slick floors of Dalton. Blaine sighs forlornly, wishing he was the one tying Kurt up right now.

Robin claps Blaine on the back and watches as Kurt is dragged away to the Porn Prison under his house. “You did the right thing.”

—————————

The hours pass, and the ABC grows ever nearer. Blaine and Robin sit in silence except for the TV, which is turned up to drown out Kurt’s yells from downstairs.

Robin had been the one to propose this idea. With the ABC getting closer every day, and all the competitors getting more antsy about Kurt’s continued habit of breathing, Robin had approached Blaine about.... getting rid of the issue. Blaine, of course, had balked at the idea of murdering his boyfriend in order to win a cactus. Eventually, though, they had come to an agreement: kidnap Kurt and keep him in Robin’s Bunkin’ Bunker on the day of the ABC. If Kurt isn’t there to compete, he can’t win.

Blaine’s leg bounces up and down anxiously as the white noise of the TV cuts out for a moment and one of Kurt’s louder yells breaks through the floor.

“BLAINE, I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS!!!!”

Blaine sighs and rubs his hands over his face. “Maybe we should just let him out for a second—”

“No!” Robin snaps, rolling his eyes. “If we let him out, he might just run away. Besides, it’s not like we’re torturing him or anything — he’s just locked down there. Just for a couple hours.” He shrugs.

‘If I were locked in your Vagina Vault for hours on end,’ Blaine thinks, ‘It’d be worse than torture.’ He shudders as he thinks about the small glimpse of Robin’s Intercourse Oubliette he got earlier.

“Chin up, bitch, we have to leave soon,” Robin says, standing up and going to his fridge to get out a Sprite — although Robin was the announcer last year, he plans on competing and winning this year. If he has a few sodas and chips beforehand, then it’s not that big of a deal. Besides, Kurt did the same thing the year before, and he fucking won. ‘Which is exactly why,’ Robin thinks, ‘we needed to get rid of him this year.’ 

Blaine rolls his neck and groans. “I think I’ll just go talk to him before we leave.”

Robin stares at him unconvinced but waves him away, opening another Sprite as Blaine stands up to leave.

The stairway to Robin’s gross, underground Porn Penitentiary is honestly kind of kind of disgusting. The lights flicker ominously and the paint on the walls is peeling, especially in one spot near the door as if Robin had spent a long time being pressed against that part of the wall — or pressing someone else ;))).Blaine shudders.

Blaine stops in front of the looming, metal door and knocks tentatively. “Kurt? Sweetheart sugartits lovely darling muffin? Light of my life?”

There’s a sudden slamming on the door, as if Kurt was hitting it repeatedly, trying to get out. “I’m going to FUCKING kill you, BLAINE!!!!”

Blaine sighs and rests his forehead against the cool metal of the door. “It’s for the best, baby. I have to win the ABC this year. You’ll only be in the Horny Hellhole for a couple more hours.”

Kurt suddenly stops hitting the door. “The fucking ABC???? I’m not even competing this year! I didn’t want to last year, it was an accident! Is that why I’m fucking locked down here???”

Blaine chokes on air. “What do you mean, you’re not competing??”

“I mean, I’m not fucking competing! Fuck you, you big fat white nasty smelling fat bitch why you took me off the motherfuckin schedule with your trifflin dirty white racist ass you big fat bitch oompa loompa body ass bitch I'm coming up there and I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you bitch and don't even call the police today cause I'm gonna come up there unexpected and wait on your motherfuckin ass bitch im coming to beat the fuck out of you bitch cause you did that on purpose with your aundry racist white ass thin haired bitch watch I'm coming up there to fuck you up bitch I'm telling you watch I know what kind of car you drive I'm gonna wait on you and I'm gonna beat your ass bitch cause Imma show you not to play with Jasmine Collin's money bitch thats the first thing you did and you got me fucked up cause bitch I told you what the fuck was going on you white mother fuckers hate to see black people doing good or doing good or doing anything for them motherfuckin selves ugly fat white bitch watch I'm telling you I'm coming up there to beat your mother fucking ass thin haired smelling white dog smelling ass bitch watch I'm coming to fuck you up cause you got me fucked up gonna sit up there and try to do that little aundry was shit bitch you aundry since the first day I came up there talking about a bitch that had on pajamas but you walking around here in some ten dollar ass jeans on dirty dusty white bitch sit up there behind that counter smelling like cheese bitch stinky fat white ass bitch and you gonna try to not answer this phone I'm coming to fuck you up I'm telling you you better remember who I am cause bitch you gonna run when you see me cause I'm coming to fuck you up bitch wanna sit up and play me about my motherfuckin money wanna play about my motherfuckin money bitch you gonna sit up there and try to do that bitch little do you know little do you know I know enough people watch I'm coming to fuck you up I'm promise you that i promise you I'm coming to fuck you up you fat stinky white bitch thin haired yellow yuck mouth nasty mouth ass bitch you stink you smell like fucking cheese and you got that trifflin ass attitude Imma beat that attitude up out you bitch watch you treat everybody like that all these old black people that you do like that you in the wrong position you trifflin ass racist ass white bitch thats why don't nobody fuck with you cause you trifflin and you racist bitch sit up there and did all this shit and I told you what the fuck was going on gonna tell me that I worked at that motherfuckin job when I'm telling you the fuck I didn't bitch why the fuck would I lie about some shit like that watch I finna come there and beat your motherfuckin ass you better not get out that car bitch I'm telling you fucking-!”

Blaine frowns. “Stay right here.”

“Well, I’m not fucking going anywhere, am I? Hurry up, I think Robin’s sex dolls are staring at me,” Kurt groans prissily, as if he hasn’t put printed-out pictures of Blaine’s face on his own sex dolls before. 

Blaine dashes up the stairs and nearly slams into Robin as he turns the corner into the kitchen. “Did Kurt tell you he wasn’t competing this year? Why are we keeping them down there if he’s not competing???”

Robin laughs. “Obviously he’s lying, idiot, duh.” Robin belches loudly at the end of his sentence, tinging the air with the scent sprite.

Blaine waves a hand in front of his face to get rid of the smell. “Why would he lie?”

“So we would let him out, obviously.”

Blaine is about to argue, but there’s a sudden knock on the door — from outside this time, not from the Slammin’ Slammer downstairs. “That’s our ride,” Robin says perkily and rushes to open the front door, revealing one of the sexy dude-bros from earlier. Fuck, Blaine would never cheat on Kurt — excluding that one time he did, but that was totally different, Blaine is a man who has NEEDS — but Robin’s sexy dude-bro friends are fucking hot. Blaine almost wished one of them would have tied him up instead of Kurt. He almost groans thinking about it. “Go get your shit,” Robin says, “We have to leave. The competition is starting soon.”

Blaine thinks guiltily about his boyfriend locked downstairs. They have to leave right now, otherwise they’ll be late — besides, Blaine wants to win. Robin is probably right. Kurt will probably be fine in Robin’s BDSM Bunker for a few hours, right?

—————————

Blaine follows Robin silently into the common room at the dormitories for the nineteenth annual Annual Belching Competition at Dalton. The room is even more packed than last year, groups of guys dressed partly in the school uniform or lounging lazily in sweats. Blaine, same as last year, is the only one who showed up in a pristine Dalton uniform — except this time there is no Kurt at his side.

Suddenly, an embarrassingly annoying voice rings out from behind him. 

“BLAINE!!!!!” That girl who Anissa acts like, that short guy in the wheelchair, and the lesbians whose names I don’t know are here!

“BRUH WTF ARE U DOING HERE U FAT BITCH?” Blaine yells, excited to see his friends from high school.

“We came to support you!” Rach-nissa says. “Kurt said that you were competing this year, so we wanted to come cheer you on!” she practically shrieks. “I just thinking burping is so attractive in a guy,” she adds, eying the entirely male group of participants and spectators (unless rachel is also a lesbian i don’t actually know).

“So, where is he?” one of the lesbian cheerleaders says. “Kurt, I mean. He was really excited about coming to support you.” She leans in conspiratorially and says, “If you ask me, I think he developed some sort of burp fetish after he won last year. He never stops talking about how sexy you are when you burp after you get done eating.” She wrinkles her nose.

Blaine thinks guiltily about his suddenly VERY attractive boyfriend, locked in Robin’s underground Bondage Basement. Apparently he was telling the truth — but it’s too late to go back to Robin’s house and get him now. Blaine just needs to get through the competition — then he’ll let Kurt out and make it up to him.

—————————

The first rounds of the tournament go very well, to be completely honest. The air around Blaine is thick with the smell of soda and Cheez Doodles (which throws him back to the dream he had about getting fat from eating them and then discovering that he was actually pregnant — it was a weird time in his life; he started going to the gym after that), and he rolls his shoulders as he prepares for the final round. “Hey, wheelchair bitch, go get me another soda from the vending machine,” he says, handing the dude in the wheelchair a couple dollars. He rolls away and doesn’t say anything because it’s clear he’s just a stand-in character because I thought it was funny (for anyone not kimber who finds this: please don’t cancel me, he was just in the only episode of glee i’ve seen and i didn’t see the wheelchair at first so i just thought he was really short).

One of the lesbian cheerleaders walks over. “Is Kurt still not here?” she asks, looking around the room. “I haven’t seen him. He was super excited about seeing you compete too, it kind of sucks that he hasn’t gotten to see it.”

Blaine shrugs without looking at her. “I don’t know, he could be anywhere.”

The announcer this year — some bald teenage kid named Burf — yells to the crowd that Blaine and Robin are the final two competitors of the ABCD. Wheelchair bitch rolls back and hands Blaine his soda right as he’s starting towards the stage, and he takes a big swig of it, feeling its bubbles try to work their way back up — this will be a big one 😏.

Blaine takes his place next to Robin on the stage.

“Mothers and fuckers of Dalton, welcome to finals of this year’s Annual Belching Competition!” Burf yells to the crowd, who cat whistle and scream noisily. “Our final two contestants are BLAINE ANDERSON —” more screaming “— and ROBIN BITCHFUCK!” The group of emotionally stunted college students goes wild. “Robin, you’re up first. Show us your best,” Burf says, looking super sexy as he winks at Robin.

Robin steps up to the front of the stage and takes a few deep breaths, winking at some of the people in the front row — Blaine sees Rachel go weak in the knees — and then opens his mouth. The thing that comes out is one of the most disgusting things Blaine has ever heard or smelt in a long time. He can practically feel Robin’s breath wafting onto his face like waves off of a fire. It smells like something crawled into the back of Robin’s throat and died.

Robin takes an exaggerated bow and steps back, waving his hand in front of his nose.

Burf takes a deep breath in, relishing the scent of Robin’s burp. His eyes roll back into his head in ecstasy from the enticing smell. “Alright, Blaine,” he says, a little loopy from the delicious aroma. “You’re up next.”

Blaine steps up to where Robin had been and starts to open his mouth, preparing for the biggest belch he’s ever done. Suddenly, the doors to the common room fly open, slamming noisily agains the wall.

“KURT???”

Kurt stands in the doorway, his normally pristine clothes ragged and torn in a few places. His sexy faux-hawk is rumpled and flat, and his entire body is covered in dust and dirt. Blaine lets out a squeak of surprise, which then turns into a burp — his only allowed contribution to the ABC final. Robin has him beat by a long shot. Blaine feels first place slip out of his fingers.

“I broke out of Robin’s Domination Dungeon,” Kurt announces, “to defend my title as champion.”

The room goes silent, and Robin and Blaine look at each other nervously. Kurt walks up to the stage primly and properly, as though he hadn’t just broken out of the Cunnilungus Crypt, and pushes Blaine to the side.

“My name is Kurt Hummel, and this year, I will be reprising my role as champion of the ABCD.”

Blaine and Robin look at Burf, who shrugs his shoulders. The ABC doesn’t have many rules — there definitely aren’t any to deal with this.

Kurt braces his feet shoulder-width apart and rolls his shoulders, getting ready. He takes a few deep breaths, then opens his mouth—

And out comes, by far, the loudest, most putrid burp Blaine had ever witnessed. It might as well have been a roar — if this were the Annual Rawring Competition, Kurt would have killed every other competitor with the sheer force of his roar. The smell is like nothing he Blaine had ever experienced before either — Blaine is sure there was no smell on this earth that could compare to the sheer repulsiveness of his boyfriend’s breath right now. The burp lasts for almost a full minute, but it felt like hours to Blaine. When he’s finally finished, Kurt stands up straight, wipes his mouth, and laces his fingers properly behind his back.

Burf, very obviously turned on, shakily hands Kurt the cactus and drapes the winner’s-sash over him. 

“I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Blaine,” Kurt says, reaching for his boyfriend’s arm and—

—————————

Blaine wakes up in a cold sweat. Frantically, he pats beside him for Kurt, and relaxes when he finally feels him sprawled out, with his hand thrown lazily over Blaine’s stomach.

Blaine lays back down shakily. His dream was disgusting — they had graduated Dalton years ago, the ABC was in the past. What brought this on? 

Kurt slaps at his chest tiredly. “Why’re you awake?” he asks through a yawn.

Blaine pets down Kurt’s hair softly. “It’s nothing, go back to sleep.”

“‘Kay,” Kurt says, already half-unconscious again.

Blaine rolls over and curls up next to his fiancé. He’ll think about it again in the morning.


End file.
